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[20 Feb 2010|01:39pm] |
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mood |
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Hospitals smell weird.. I think even after I am gone.. I won't get this scent out of my head. Like a million medical gloves and cotton balls soaked in some scrub were stuffed up my nose.
At least I have this laptop and can reach the outside world somewhat. They make me put it away at night though.
The therapist says I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... I said.. "No shit.. really?" Fucking duuuh.
No one fully believes me I feel.. no one but a select few.
No one listens when I tell them HE did this to me!
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[05 Jan 2010|03:03am] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
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What is a friend?
Is it someone who cares for you?
Is it someone who trusts you and warrants yours in return?
Is it a partner in crime?
Is it a shoulder to lean on, now matter how big or small that hardship may be?
Is it someone you could not imagine not being in your life?
What is a friend?
I thought I knew, but as the best of them come and go I think I do not know at all.
Is a friend someone who turns their back when it gets too hard for them to deal with?
Is a friend someone who would rather not see your face, then brace for the sadness and move forward with you?
What is a friend?
Someone please tell me, because I have given up on figuring it out.
I have tried and all i see is still people stabbing one another in the back while ones attention is turned, we are all guilty and we all deserve no one but our own shadows as company.. I am no different, but at least I try, at least I don't give up.. like some people I used to know.. that's right! I am talking about you....
I give up, maybe this City is not for me after all.
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[28 Dec 2009|03:03pm] |
My heat is off again, it's beyond cold in my apartment. I think something is wrong with the furnace, because it's not only my apartment.. It seems like the whole building. This place supposedly came with heat. HA! I wish that Land-Lady put some of that rent money into up-keeping this shit shack.
Speaking of rent money.. mine has just increased. Thanks bitch!
Sorry, I normally don't talk like that but I swear, this place isn't worth what I am paying..
I had to get a second job!
Don't even ask what or where, because I won't tell you.
Now it's back to this vans tranny.
Strong drinks after work. Who's in?
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[24 Dec 2009|08:34pm] |
So here it is, Christmas Eve. This is very far from how I thought I would be spending it. Surely I had no idea I would be alone, in a City this size, so far from home. I miss my Aunt and Uncle. I miss the Christmas party they throw every year. I could be drinking spiked egg-nog and being kissed under the mistletoe by Kenny Curtis.
No, instead I am here still in the shop, working on an ignition. It could be worse right? I could still be on the streets. At least now I have a roof over my head, income and a friend or two. Speaking of friends. I better go wash up before Billy gets here and sees me looking like a rag-a-muffin. Besides, enough dwelling on the things I can't change, this year is almost over after all. Next one will be better....maybe I'll give another try at getting my mother to notice I am alive.
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[17 Dec 2009|05:44pm] |
She was anything but what I expected...">
I couldn't believe it when I saw her. At first, I actually thought I must have had the wrong address. She noticed me first, this must have meant she thought of me, maybe even had a picture of me! Maybe she wanted to see me! No, that became very clear as she scowled over the brim of her lipstick smudged coffee cup. " Why did you come here?" Why did I come here? " To finally meet my mom." I told her. There were no hugs, no tears, nothing. Her home, if you could call it that, smelt badly of cat urine though I saw no cat. The dishes in the sink were over-flowing onto the counters. The floors littered with random garbage from cigarette butts, chips and even an 'Oodles of Noodle' cup.
I stared at her a long time, waiting and thinking she would say something. I started to tell her how the farm was after the tornado but she didn't want to hear it. She proceeded to gather this broken piece of mirror off her three legged coffee table, it had some sort of powder on it, it was a drug I assume of course. She did it right in front of me as if I wasn't even there. Then she told me I had to leave. I told her I didn't want to. That I had traveled far and by a stinking bus no less, to come and see her. This escalated from bad to worse. She just flipped, like some deranged lunatic. The woman is a waste, though still my mother. It's sad and unpleasant.. I should have never come here.
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